Issue date: 3/31/09 Section: News

THIS IS AN APRIL FOOLS JOKE. BEN MILLER WROTE THIS. THIS IS NOT THE ACU OPTIMIST. THIS IS IN NO WAY CONNECTED WITH THE ACU OPTIMIST. DON'T BELIEVE THIS. M. T. HOPSON II NEVER EXISTED. BEN MILLER HAS NEVER PLAYED "HEY GOOD LOOKIN'" AT THE SAME TIME AS "WHEN THE ROLL IS CALLED UP YONDER." That ought to clear things up... Over the past two decades, Mel T. Hopson II has contributed a significant amount of donations to Abilene Christian University, averaging at half a million dollars per year. Last week, however, Hopson said shocked board members with the statement “It all stops here. It all stops now.”

As well as being a long time member of the church of Christ, Hopson is also a prominent oil tycoon, and a proud ACU alumnus (class of 52). Proud until last week, that is.

“His behavior, and decision came as a complete shock to all of us.” Said President Money after the board of trustees meeting last Thursday.

Before the meeting, board members and donors had lunch in the World Famous Bean cafeteria. It was during this lunch that Hopson decided to spontaneously withdraw all financal support for the university.

“It was evident something was bothering Mel all through the lunch.” Remarked board member Danny Pickens. “He kept shifting his gaze over his shoulder towards the stage with the piano. At one point he even spat out his food, which is very unlike him.”

The university is still waiting for a formal statement from Hopson, but it appears the source of his agitation was the Bean’s baby grand piano, or more specifically, what was being played on that piano.

“After [spiting out his food] he stood up, interrupted Royce, and started ranting on about the songs that this fellow was playing, and ‘didn’t we know what those were?’ and the like.” Apparently, the songs that were played that day included a number of church hymns, some very familiar with members of the older church of Christ tradition. Many eyewitnesses disputed what songs were actually played, due to the highly jazz-influenced and “scattered” renditions.

The Optimist contacted Hopson by phone to get further details: “I walked into the Bean, and boy did it ever look nice, fancy [neon] lights and all. I told Royce they might steal me away from Luby’s with all that! [Laughter] But really, this is no laughing matter. Not at all, because what I noticed next was deeply offensive to me, and should be to any member of the Lord’s church. It was Mrs. Pickens who pointed it out to me, she said, “Well, listen Mel! That’s your favorite song, Victory in Jesus.”

I'm telling you, this is all made up! This isn't a real website! “At first I thought she was joking, because it just sounded like a big mess, but when I listened close, it sure enough was, only the young man who was playing the piece had something like an alternating boogie in the bass part, and generally disregarded the rhythmic structure as well…”

Hopson went on to describe the “blashpemeous” and “sacrilegious” music which continued throughout his meal.

“Having always attended a bible believing church, I had never in my life heard any of those hymns played on a musical instrument, and let me say it is an experience I hope never to repeat. To think that the first place I should ever hear such abominations is Abilene Christian makes me sick to my very soul.”

“He looked mad.” Remarked Jill Pickens, “His ears were red the whole meal, and kept chewing his fork.”

The last straw fell when Hopson finally realized that the pianist had somehow combined the tunes of Hank Williams' Hey, Good Lookin’, (what ya got cookin’?) with the hymn, When the Roll is Called up Yonder.

“I stood up on my chair and asked how a University bearing the name of Christ could mock His music so crudely. I stated that all my financial support would be directed elsewhere, and that there is absolutely nothing this university can do to restore my faith in it, or restore my donations. This is certainly not the ACC[sic] I graduated from.”

“I really don’t see why there needs to be this fuss,” Said Jill Perkins “It was really nice to hear a young person who knew Mansion Over the Hilltop, even if he played it a little fast, its nice to hear it differently for a change. Also, his attire and style of hair was very respectful.”

We contacted Ben Miller, the Freshman physics major employed by the Bean to play during lunch hours. “Yeah, I try to play to the audience, you know? If an older person walks in I’ll start with Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree and other 1940’s stuff. When I start playing the old church songs it’s hard to know how they take it. Some have said they really enjoy it, others just stare, kinda menacing.”

When asked about the incident on Thursday, Miller remarked, “I’m just glad someone finally recognized that was Hank Williams in there with When the Roll. Makes me feel like I connected.”

As for the future of ACU, we at least know that construction of “Hopson Recreation Center,” “The Hopson Science Building” and “Hopson Stadium” will be postponed, perhaps forever.

I left the typos in on purpose, to make it more obvious this was an APRIL FOOLS DAY JOKE! This didn't happen!!!

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